[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
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‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man