me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
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I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!