My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
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Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation