My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
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My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Matt Goss
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Wait for it
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.