I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
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I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.