Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
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Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
You can’t rush stupid.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.