I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
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DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist