HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
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Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?