Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
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Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Who says great literature is dead?
this is me
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?