King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
You Might Also Like
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.