Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
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I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.