The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
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The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.