[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
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“Boo!” — cow with a cold
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.