my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
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I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I don’t hate children, just yours.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring