For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
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I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…