No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
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Don’t frighten the programmers!
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.