My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
You Might Also Like
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
nature’s most graceful animal
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Sharon, call the vet
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?