Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
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Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.