You Might Also Like
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭