Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
You Might Also Like
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
ME (calling my horse with no name):