Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
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inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
President The Rock Obama
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)