Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
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Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now