God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
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Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
eggs benadryl
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…