Thursday
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A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
I’m crying im so happy for them
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
your elf on the shelf was delicious
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER