I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
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Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
water it, i dare you
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.