Husband of the year 😂
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“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.