Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
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Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.