I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
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(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
i meant to share this earlier
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?