[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
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So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
my dog when i have a friend over
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.