She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
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Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
#parenting
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.