It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
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the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
…żyje?
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!