*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
October already? What’s next? November????
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop