I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
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america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
🙄😏😂🤣
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons