I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
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My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.