To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
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God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
What the hell happened here.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school