I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
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Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Jesus Christ lmao
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!