this is funnier than any friends episode
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Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
🤣🤣🤣
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.