Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
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just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
I’m calling the cops.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE