Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
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Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.