Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
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The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️