The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
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Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.