The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
You Might Also Like
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.