If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
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8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.