A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
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VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying