You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
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He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
and now we wait
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different