Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
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You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Life is a suicide mission.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard