A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
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yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.