For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
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me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
called in thicc to work this morning
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.