Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
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Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.