Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
You Might Also Like
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
based al yankovic
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
My neck my back my allergy attack
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.